


I Thought You Were Long Gone

by Beateninlips



Category: All Time Low (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Anxiety, Band Fic, Concerts, Dating, Depression, Drug Use, Drugs, Eating Disorders, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-24
Updated: 2018-03-24
Packaged: 2019-04-07 05:34:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14074011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beateninlips/pseuds/Beateninlips
Summary: Alex Gaskarth is a performer, one that was born for the stage with lights in his eyes. That was until everything started down in a spiral of destruction. His mind is haunted by the memories of a past member of the band, his best friend. A friend that shared many close moments some of the crowds and others for them. He was there through everything, but then Jack just disappeared from his life, his wall just disappeared. Alex's life took a turn for the worst when the tabloids got a hold of the photos of them and everything turns form worse to destruction in the life of both Alex and Jack.





	I Thought You Were Long Gone

**Author's Note:**

  * For [realmsoffreedom](https://archiveofourown.org/users/realmsoffreedom/gifts).



> [Trigger Warning] -- Mentions of Self-harm, Suicide Attempt, Panic Attacks, Anxiety, Alcoholism, Drugs, and Blood. Please be careful, none of it is graphic just brush overs as to get an intro to the characters life's but it is a heads up now.

My chest moving in and out at a rapid pace as we exit the stage. The crowd still cheering in the background, but my eyes poured tears of pure sadness. My thoughts only with you. Panic sets into the veins that run straight to my heart. Someone yelled something about drinks, but I couldn’t shake the panic that was setting in. The crowd was still screaming for another encore. The rest of them were talking about going on stage, but nobody noticed that I still hadn’t said anything. That I was distant from their conversation, my eyes couldn’t focus on anything, them, the room, the people in the crowd earlier. He’s the only thing on my mind. 

As everyone keeps talking I walk away, out the building and down the street. Voices yelling my name call me, but I just continue you to walk away trying to clear my mind. Instead, I find more tears craving their marks down my face. My fingernails digging into the flesh of my skin, not covered by the hoodie, drawing red up to the surface. His voice in the back of my mind tells me that I need to stop, but instead they just dig deeper. Trying to escape these thoughts and memories. I tell myself, “He’s not here anymore. Your fine” but all that does is make the anger more and more apparent. I find my feet dragging me down all too familiar streets in the city of black holes for me. 

I find myself wandering back to the busy streets to the venue. My phone constantly blowing up with text from the other members. Instead of responding I turn it off and contemplate chucking it in the middle of the road, but stop short and shove it into my pocket. The photos of us keep popping up on the screen, the ones from those sneaky paparazzi from the tabloids. The ones that got you kicked out of the band and sent my tumbling into numbness. Drinking to get rid of the pain, going on stage, crying when I get off a constant cycle at this point. I miss you seeing you every night right next to me cracking jokes and going back and forth giving each other a hard time. The bras that would line your mic stand and the constant contact with you. I miss that as tears poured down my face once more, not the first time that night and not the last time. 

I found my way past security showing the badge they gave me at the start of this tour. I didn’t want to go back to the bus yet as Rain and Zack were already there doing god knows what besides pretending to worry about me. I slowly walk up and into the crowd allowing myself to get swallowed up by the music and join the crowd remembering those years of being a teenager. My feet bounce up and down to the rhythm of whoever was playing now as you can’t make out the lyrics from out there over the guitars. I get the courage to join the mosh pit, knowing fully well that it's probably not going to be a good idea in his emotional state, but his mind and body didn’t give a fuck. As he just slowly walked over to the crowd that looked the most enthused. When they started to form a circle pit he joined in, jumping around and just having a good time. That was till someone pushed me and I tripped over my own two feet falling hard to the cement below. Someone offered me a hand and helped me back up to my feet. But I brushed it off and got up by myself continuing on through the mosh pit pushing to find a way out as space got cramped all of a sudden. Everything started closing in and people started getting too close for his comfort. But he felt someone grab his hand, just brushing it off he continues to try to push his way out of the never-ending crowd. But that’s when he felt it again someone brush his hand. The roughness felt familiar. But instead of worrying, he turned around to see who was falling him but instead turned around to the familiar of the crowd just swarming around waiting for the band to start their next song. 

He finally found his way out the crowd and headed back past security with thoughts of just going to sleep and never waking up a constant on his mind. But sleep wasn’t going to come soon for him, so instead, he hung around the outside of the venue to try to get those last breath of fresh air and peaceful quietness. But instead of that, he found himself overhearing a one-sided conversation between this skinny lanky dude with black and red hair and a medic. His voice was familiar for the least but I brushed it off to the paranoia that my brain was just conjuring things up to remind myself of him. Trying not to be spotted I lean against the corner of the building trying to get a look at the face of the mystery person, but instead, all I get is the conversation he’s droning on about. I only catch bits and pieces as still focused on trying to see his face, but the medics in the way. He kept talking, but eventually, I pieced everything together. I remember my shoulder connecting with something on the way to the ground, but never saw anything after that. My vision was too blurred to remember anything and the adrenaline pumping through my veins was a distraction from everything going on. As the medic moves back and forth trying to find something I peered around the corner looking to see blood dripping down his nose. It looked broken, it must of hurt like hell. But his face all but looked familiar. Those eyes were staring right at him, but he couldn’t see me right? I was still at the corner of a cinderblock wall. When I hear him say obviously loud, “Did you hear that noise?” I didn’t even hear the medic response to know that he spotted me. His eyes of blue were drilling holes within my heart which shattered it into a million pieces.

I attempt to run quietly away, but my heart was thumping out of my chest trying to give me away.  
My attempt to escape secretively didn’t work out very well as I stop to rest for a bit as my chest heaves in and out trying to catch a breathe but nothing comes. Sobs escape my throat as panic sets into veins and adrenaline run through this blood. Footsteps in the distance didn’t stop any of that, but my mind stopped me in place. I just leaned against the wall and succumbed to the thoughts in my mind leaving me falling to the floor. Everything becoming too much as thoughts bounce around in this lonely head. The footsteps come to a halt as they get close to where I fell, but they don’t say anything. They come up with all too familiar hands of roughness and hold me. Just letting me cry within my own sorrows. The familiar rubbing of circular patterns on my back and the coaching of breathing to slow my breaths. Tears still fall down my face as I try to look up to find who’s sitting there, but black floaties enter my vision leaving me temporarily blind. I just sit there letting them hold me close as I put my head in the cradle of their neck and just leave it there. Their hands keep pulling away for a minute but always come back. Eventually, I pull away now being able to support my weight a bit. But here I am in the arms of a stranger crying my eyes out for no reason. My mind starts to mumble words not realizing they are being said out loud to a complete stranger, but he still doesn’t say anything just stares at me with those eyes of a blue ocean. Piercing through my soul once again that night. All too familiar feelings come back when his fingers rub circles on my hands trying to keep me calm. I look over to see the face that was all too familiar. The one that my eyes would constantly be drawn to on stage. The one that would always be on my right and come up and make sex jokes all night long with me. The one that ruined everything with just a slight brush of lips in public. Maybe it was more than that and I’m pretty sure it was both of us that initiated the kiss. 

His eyes continued to stare daggers at the crevices in my walls. His hands would creep to the dark spots hidden in plain sight. Dragging them further up my wrist trying to feel those feelings he helped me out of so long ago. The many time he found me in the bathroom contemplating whether it was worth it. Or maybe it was the time that he found me lying in a pool of my own blood coming in and out of consciousness. But here he is next to me on the corner of lonely and trying not to fall apart on the building that’s condemned behind us. 

His nonjudgemental stare keeps going over my face trying to read anything and his hands feel up those crevices for more and more holes within the parking lot surface. Any sign I’ve fallen back down into the black abyss. His eyes say I’m sorry, but his mouth stays closed. All those jokes we shared are a memory of the past, I wish he was still here with me. I whisper soft, “I love you.” 

His eyes light up with the contemplation of years of guilt of everything we shared but nothing but terror has ever come from our relationship. A place set afire a while ago one a distant memory that heat still radiates off of. The steals of kisses within the nights on stage, showing passion for the crowd, but turning into more at night things took off to fast. He was my support wall for the longest time until we both crashed into a downward spiral of drugs for him and alcohol and blood for me.

His eyes pleaded for a second chance, never saying a word out loud to me. Though I miss that voice that once spoke of words of pure rhyme and rhythm. His soft sounds of breathing close to my ears and his eyes stare into mine trying to read anything that’s left on my face. Me, I just stare back trying to find his pleasure behind this, but then again what is left of my career anyway. I move closer to him, pulling his face towards mine our lips meet with a roughness that I longed for. A passion sparked beneath the surface of what could become. Waves crashed over the city streets as we sat there finding the rhythm we once had the kiss that reconnected everything. We pull away to breathe and I whispered, “I missed you.” And he pulls me back in and when we separate we’re left in a state of confusion when he says,”I’ve missed you too. Why don’t we go somewhere and talk more.” My mind whispers that this is stupid don’t follow him he’s just going to break your heart again, but the other side was like what if he’s your only one follow him where ever he wants to go. 

We ended up back at the concert venue where I look at the bus that’s been apart of my life for the last couple of years, the friends that are sitting there wondering where I am and the fans that are going to miss me over time, but they will all soon forgive or maybe hate me for what’s about to be done. I get in the car and he drives off away from the blinking city lights and constant traffic of moving cars to a road not traveled upon by many cars, a dirt road. We sit there and contemplate what to say before I break the awkward silences that as invoked upon us, “What have you been up to?” He thinks about his answer careful as to what to say, “Nothing much as gone on for quite some time, but I’ve gone to rehab. Just got out some time ago. Looking for a job right now and helping this up and coming band with some guitar work. I sure miss the stage and being on it with you every night.”

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is a first. I don't tend to write long fiction works but here is an attempt. Feel free to comment I'm always looking for feedback to improve these types of writing. 
> 
> Thank you to realmsofffreedom for inspiring this and actually giving me the courage to write. I would never have written this had I found your writing. Thank you for being an awesome writer.


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